


Relapse

by Kr1411



Series: Legs [2]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Additional Warnings in Authors Notes, Barry Relapses, Gen, Suicidal!Barry, depressed Barry, others will be added later, trigger warning: self harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-24 09:32:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14952116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kr1411/pseuds/Kr1411
Summary: Barry looked at his reflection in the mirror. He couldn’t believe it, he couldn’t believe what he’d done.He relapsed.He’d managed to go a full goddamn year without self harming in anyway, and he relapsed.Sequel to Legs





	Relapse

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warnings: Cutting, Relapse, Talks of past suicide. If any of this triggers you in any way, please see the exit. 
> 
> I wrote this back in April and haven't touched it since, so this is probably garbage (and unbeta'd)

Barry looked at his reflection in the mirror. He couldn’t believe it, he couldn’t believe what he’d done. 

He relapsed. 

He’d managed to go a full  _ goddamn year _ without self harming in anyway, and he relapsed. 

Ok. Maybe not a year. After his… after his suicide attempt, there was a couple times where he would try, and even once where he succeeded. Not that Joe didn’t find out later, but it was still something. 

Barry had gone to many therapies, but nothing was working. Nothing made him feel better, just numb. Especially with the “special” type of medication Caitlin had him on that he  _ totally  _ took and didn’t flush down the toilet. In his defense, they did nothing, just like everything else. He felt like he couldn’t  _ feel  _ anymore, and that was the most progress he felt he’d ever make.

He stopped trying to…  _ hurt _ himself for Joe, for Iris, even for Patty, even though it was hard not to cut, or burn, or to beat himself senseless when she left. 

It  _ was  _ his fault, after all. She asked if he was the Flash, and he said no. She said she would leave if he lied, and he did lie. Then she was gone. 

He had barely even started doing flashwork again when she figured everything out. He finally felt confident enough, or most he would get, to go out and start saving the city again. He got bored at home, and even the comforts of his own home, his own bedroom, had began to suffocate him. 

But he didn’t relapse. 

The reason he did, well, anyone would in that situation, right? 

It was all because of Flashpoint. 

He was happy when he changed the timeline. He was genuinely happy. He never faked a smile in Flashpoint, and if he did, his mom or dad would  _ notice _ , notice like no one else ever did until it was too late. They would ask him if he was ok, they would know if he was lying, they would make him tell them the truth. Neither of them knew about his scars, but there were times where he was pretty damn close to spilling everything to his mom. 

But, with Barry’s luck, he couldn’t be happy for very long. All his memories with Iris, with Cisco, of everyone in his old life, began to fade. He couldn’t even remember the name of the guy who killed his dad, or the guy who killed himself the year prior, that’s how bad it got. 

He knew he had to reset the timeline, even though he  _ knew  _ there would be consequences. 

He got help from all of team Flash: Cisco, the egotistical rich bastard, Iris, average everyday girl/secret undercover man-in-the-van, Wally (as much as he didn’t want to), the Flash - or Kid Flash, he was a minor after all, and Caitlin, the… eye doctor. He decided Caitlin had it best out of everyone. 

There was nothing anyone could do except argue or be supportive, and that was when Barry felt the familiar feeling of failure in his chest. No matter, he hid it anyway and went along with his plan. 

His plan did  _ not _ involve  _ begging _ Eobard Thawne to kill his mother…  _ again _ . She didn’t deserve it, but no one else in his original timeline decided to lose their original life. Besides, Joe was a lazy alcoholic. He couldn’t let that stay the way it was. 

Timeline changed. Everything was messed up. 

Cisco’s brother was dead. Cisco hated him. 

Iris and Joe would fight, they would  _ not stop fighting _ . 

John Diggle’s daughter was a born a son. Sara Diggle never existed. Instead, it was John Diggle Junior. JJ. 

There was a new guy working in his lab who hated him  _ almost  _ as much as he hated himself. 

But most of all, Barry didn’t try to kill himself in this timeline. Instead, there were just a  _ few _ more scars than there were before, and even then they looked like they were from a long time ago. He could tell, because no one would walk on eggshells around him. No one asked if he was ok to the point where it became annoying. Hell, no one even  _ cared _ anymore. 

That was pretty much why he did it. That and Cisco blowing up at him at dinner. 

_ “Excuse me, I… I have to go to the bathroom.”  _ He used the same excuse as he did the first time he wanted to cut but was stuck in a social situation. It worked then, it worked now. Barry snuck a knife up there and locked the door. 

Just like he did the first time. 

Barry took his shirt off. He looked down at his torso, which was littered with scars from last year. He looked at his wrist. It was still obvious how bad his burn was, sure, the blisters weren’t there anymore, but they still looked alot like Mick Rory’s burns. 

Putting his wrists down, he picked the knife and started to go to town on his torso. He didn’t realise how much pain he was bottling up until he thought of a reason for each cut, most of them involving Flashpoint or his mother’s death. 

The one that bled the most was the cut he made for literally  _ begging  _ Thawne to kill him mom. That one, he slashed his pecs, abs (or lack thereof), even part of his leg, as deep as he could. It was his fault this time, his fault his mother died. He could have been  _ happy _ , he  _ was _ happy, his mother was happy, his father was happy, and he went and fucked everything up.  _ Everything _ . And anyone he could possibly talk to was gone. They were all mad at him, they all  _ hated _ him. He didn’t want to make them pity him too. 

Once Barry was done and cleaned up, with no evidence left behind (even if he was a little lightheaded), he went back downstairs. 

Everyone was gone. Even Joe. 

Well, Joe was probably in his room. But he still wasn’t in the room he was hoping for. 

“God dammit, Barry…” he muttered to himself. He fucked everything up again. At least they had the decency to clean up for him. 

Trailing back upstairs, still lightheaded, Barry managed to make it into his room. And, for some godforsaken reason, he found himself standing in front of the mirror. 

That’s where he was now. Pitying himself. 

Soon, he felt just a wave of pure… what was it? Vertigo, probably. That’s what it felt like, anyway. 

“ _ Fuck it _ ,” he thought to himself. “ _ A screw up, a monster, someone like me doesn’t deserve a bed. If I pass out, so be it. _ ” 

The room was spinning. The room was spinning, and the feeling in his head, he felt like he wasn’t even there. 

Black spots. Black spots began to take over his vision. The last thing he remembered was crashing to the ground, knowing no one would be there to help him. 

**Author's Note:**

> So, the only reason I wrote a sequel to Legs was because today marks a year since I first uploaded it, and it was my first fic. It's also been a year since I joined AO3, so that's fun. So yeah, please leave a comment and kudos :)


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